A Road Less Travelled

Deep in the sea are riches beyond compare. But if you seek safety, it is on the shore. Saadi of Shiraz 1200 AD

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I just walked into the living room and discovered that Elsie is reading a book out loud. She’s reading! Where was I when this happened? I knew that she’d learned her letters, and that she’d sounded out a word here and there. But now she’s working her way through a book, reading every word (with a little help on the hard words). Yay, Elsie!

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I know I have long hair because people frequently point it out to me. “You have such long hair!”, they say. I usually assume it’s meant as a compliment and say ‘thank you’. I’m never quite sure though. Maybe they really were just making an observation. Maybe they were afraid I hadn’t noticed. Just once I would like to respond by grabbing my hair, screaming, and saying “Where did THAT come from?!?”.

But I say ‘thank you’, and I wait. Some people drop the subject, but quite a few go on to say, “Have you ever thought about donating your hair?” This is a tough one to answer because I have quite frequently–not through my own choice but through people bringing up the subject. Usually I just listen politely while they tell the whole story of a relative who donated her hair. I’m at a loss as to what to say. Anything that says, “I’ve always had long hair and I don’t want to cut it off.” always seems to sound rather rude and selfish.

I don’t quite understand it. I’ve never had anyone come up and tell me, “Oh, what a lovely dress you’re wearing today. Have you ever thought about donating your clothes to the Salvation Army?”

I have an idea. Perhaps I’ve been assuming too much in thinking of the first statement as a compliment. Perhaps these people really think that I don’t know I have long hair. After informing me, they helpfully provide a solution in case the discovery should distress me. It all makes sense now…

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I already knew that it was going to be a busy day, what with putting on a new front door, prep for Toby’s birthday on Sunday, and various other projects. At the breakfast table I discovered that it’s likely to be ‘one of those days’ as well.

• I actually claimed that James had never had to tell the children, “Don’t jump off the roof.”..only to be reminded that he has told them that.
• Samuel was miserable for a while, but worked himself back into a good mood by banging the back of his head against his chair.

It seems as though there was more, but that was all typical breakfast conversation–nothing out of the ordinary. Still, I think this is enough to signal a good chance of pasta servers in the hallway, of unidentifiable objects on the kitchen floor, and that the children discover what it was that James hasn’t yet forbid them to do. I’ll keep you updated on the results of this prediction–that is, unless I’m too busy scraping raisins off the ceiling.

7:36 PM: It’s actually been a reletively calm day–insane as always, but no raisins on the ceiling yet.

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Earlier today Crystal and I were talking and she mentioned college. Arianna, who was lying on my lap, piped up and asked, “What’s college?” Oh, this made my little heart glow. This child of seven hadn’t even heard of college much less planned on attending one. We talked about college being good for some people and bad for others. She asked if college teaches women how to be homemakers and we said that it doesn’t. We talked about how when she gets older she will be doing the same sort of thing I am. It was so exciting to watch her face as she talked about helping women with small children. I was also amused when she said she would go to a woman’s house if the woman didn’t have an aunt and she needed to go grocery shopping. Arianna said she would watch the children while the woman went shopping just like I do. It was very humbling to see how much a role-model I am for this child. She and others are watching me and I am an older woman to them. I am glad for moments like this one that make the responsibility worth while.

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After two days without air conditioning I’m very glad to have it working again. The children, however, have responded to the slightly cooler temperature by donning hats, gloves, and snowsuits. They claim it’s for a play, but these are the same children who started shivering dramatically in a seventy-five degree breeze…

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Last night I was at a book study group looking at C. S. Lewis’s book Mere Christianity. Somehow we got talking about how people don’t like to say anyone is wrong. It is a social faux pas now. It is acceptable to assert that your opinion works for some people and not others, but to come out and say “I am right, you are wrong” is not done. This mentality has penetrated so far into the church that we don’t really notice we do it anymore. Perhaps I’ll write more about this some other time, but for now I want to talk about a facet of this. This is the facet where you hide the fact that you disagree with someone. If there is someone you don’t agree with either you avoid the person or you avoid the subject. We have this idea that if we disagree we can’t be friends. If we are not totally like-minded we can only be acquaintances. We have this idea that our disagreements of necessity drive us apart. I think that’s poppycock.

Raquel has very strong convictions concerning music. I don’t. She has asked me to turn off music I didn’t even notice. We disagree about music. And we know we disagree. And that’s okay. I respect and try to support Raquel’s conviction because it is hers. I don’t agree, but I don’t have to. She hasn’t tried to convert me and she hasn’t even mentioned how some of my music is contrary to what she believes is good, but she doesn’t have to. We are friends. The fact that we disagree actually strengthens our friendship because we see our differences and we love each other anyway. I don’t have to change her thinking and she doesn’t have to change mine. We can disagree in peace.

Too often we in the church tiptoe around the fact that we have different beliefs. I look around on Sunday and I could list a whole string of beliefs I don’t agree with. But they are my family and it doesn’t matter if we are in complete agreement. Are they in glaring sin? Then confront them in their sin. Is it a matter of personal beliefs? Then live with them in love. The world looks at us and sees us split with divisions over non-essentials. They say “Why would I want to join you guys? You fight as much as we do.” We need to show them that we are a family, that we are unified. And the best way to do that is to disagree in love. And they need to see us disagreeing in love. I watch Seth and James argue all the time. Sometimes it can get somewhat heated. One says A and the other says “You just think that ’cause you’re dumb” and they go back and forth And at the end of the night they still disagree and they are still friends. Seth supports James in his decisions and James supports Seth. The world needs to see this. And we need to show them. And you know it’s true because I said it and I am never wrong.

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And another view! 

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Here they are! 

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When I read this to Gabrielle she told me I should post it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, so partly as a diversionary tactic I told her she really should post Why I Wear Purple. Well, now she posted it, and I should probably post mine. So here it is–

It was Seth’s fault, really. It was a Sunday afternoon shortly after I came up to live with Theresa and James. Seth was asking me all the usual questions about my plans for the future, and he actually wanted real answers. I ran out of my stock answers and had to start thinking about the questions. When he started teasing me about my search for a husband I was lost (and probably a little defensive).

He said, “I’m mostly just giving you a hard time because you remind me of my little sister Gabrielle.” and changed the subject.

At the time I just nodded and ignored it. But I didn’t forget. Brothers would have just annoyed me if I’d had to grow up with them, but the concept appeals to me and always has. So this casual comment stayed in the back of my head as time went on.

Since I was living with James and Theresa, James just naturally fell into the role of older brother whether we called it that or not. Most weeks we would see the Ben-Ezras at least twice and I easily fell into the habit of treating them like family. I gradually discovered it was safe to be weird around them. In fact, Seth and Gabrielle sometimes made me look normal by comparison.

I remember telling them about my idea for a nanny story–

The nanny’s wearing a denim jumper and holding a baby on one arm. When the bad guy comes in she shoots him with her free hand, then comforts the baby with a, “Oh, did the big noise scare you? Sh, sh, it’s ok.â€?

They laughed and Seth said, “We like you.�

How very odd, I thought. People aren’t supposed to like me, are they? At least, not enough that it’s worth mentioning. Especially when I’m being strange. I guess they really must be family…

Then came the day when Theresa started to miscarry her baby. It was a Sunday. I drove the children into church while James stayed home with Theresa. It was an odd day—I’d never driven with all five children in the van before. We sat with the Ben-Ezras so I didn’t have to keep an eye on all five children by myself. When it was time to drive home Gabrielle asked if they had any parting words of wisdom for me. Seth did, and he started out with, “We love you.â€?

I liked having brothers. I liked it, but sometimes I just wasn’t sure how it was supposed to work. So I used an old hobby of watching people. I watched Moriah and Samuel interacting, sometimes yelling at each other, and sometimes the best of friends. I watched Seth and Gabrielle. That was how I noticed that Gabrielle and I acted in almost exactly opposite ways about having brothers. One time she refused to get Seth a bottle of water and so I handed it to him. Her expressed reason for refusing was that she was about to take a bite of the perfect hamburger. I guess that had something to do with it, but there was more. He’s her brother, and they give each other a hard time. It’s part of The Game they play. When you come down to it she refused because she loves him. Which is funny because it’s pretty much the same reason I handed him the bottle of water.

Now Seth and I have taken another step in our brother/sister relationship. I doubt he even noticed, but I did.

We were playing a board game. Seth and I got into a private little war over a piece of territory, and I made a really good move. I know it was really good because it prompted Seth to say, “I don’t like you very much.â€? With only a slight hesitation I told him, “I don’t like you either.â€?

It was the right moment. I had entered into The Game. I don’t always play it, but I’m getting better at it when I do. I know because James told me that he liked me better when I was sweet and quiet. Did I mention that I like having brothers?

 

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