Someone recently asked me a Question I had not been asked before. It is strange because it seems to me to be a rather central question. He asked, “Why do you want to do what you want to do?” I have never been asked that question before. I’ve been asked a multitude of questions about why I don’t want to go to college, but never why do I want what I want. The Question took me aback and I realized I had never thought about it in the front of my brain before. I have certainly considered the Question in the back of my brain, but never where I noticed. Why do I want this mother thing? Why do I want to spend the rest of my life in a life that looks very similar to mine currently? Why do I want what I want? The answer went all over the place and I found myself formulating a reason using all kinds of things I hadn’t put together in the same place. And since I answered the Question I can see how I don’t have to wait until I am married to begin. That is such a helpful thought because I fall prey so very, very easily to the idea that I am waiting for my life to begin. Life right now is, you know, practice for when my life really starts. I’ll get married and I’ll work at crafting a home and then life will be moving. Right now I’m just waiting. I fall into that thinking so easily and it is so dangerous. Life isn’t to be lived in the future. God gave us Now for a reason. We are supposed to be living now and serving and worshipping and working now. It don’t work to constantly be thinking ahead to when you get married or when you have children or when anything. Life is now, not then. So with this in mind I look at my answers to the Question Posed and I saw that they, like me, were Now. I want to change to world. I have these hopes and dreams for the world. I have hopes for the church. There are aspects of the church I would like to see changed. But they won’t change in my lifetime and my influence is the influence of one. But I look at my mother and I see that her influence is the influence of at least five. She used to say that her gift to the world was her children. She raised us up so we could go fix the world. And if we couldn’t fix we were supposed to raise up children so they could go fix it. She still influences the world and she will continue to for as long as her line exists. That sounds pretty cool to me and I want to do something like that. Side note-Please understand that I am not discounting my father in all of this. I talk about my mom a lot and I worry sometimes that I make it look like he had nothing to do with us, but that is far from the truth. It is different because my mom did what I want to do. My father’s role is different from mine first because he’s a man and second because his influence is greater than one. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but it’s bigger than I expect mine to be. The second part of the Answer is that I want to craft a home. Not just make a house look nice, but I want to craft a home people feel welcome and safe in. People have told us there is peace in our house. Weirdos and freaks would stream through our house when I was growing up and they all felt welcome. We have had people stay with us recently who have found rest and haven in our house when they needed it. I want to craft a home like that. I want to craft a home that people pass through and come out changed on the other side. A place where there is safety from the world that wounds us. I know that such a house is a powerful witness. And I know that such a house needs a woman to craft it and keep it. There is a saying that behind every great man is a great woman or something like that. I’m not sure exactly what I think about that, but I have seen what men can do when they have a woman to support, encourage and uphold them. These are the men who go out and do great things, but right before they get burned out their wives drag them home and make them rest. Respectfully, of course. I want to be a wife like that. I want to support a man so that he can use his energy to do great things for the God who saved me. Some people say women shouldn’t be dealing with the finances, but I say why not? Wives are here to help their husbands. If it is a real help to your man to not have to think about the bills then why not? I want to be a helpmeet. I want to support a man and see what great things he can do. So, like, all of these answers involve me being married and having my own home and having children. If I settled down to just wait I would be wasting time. So, what do I do with these desires now? For the most part I can fulfill my dreams of what the future holds now. I am a big influence on the children I live with. I am their aunt and something of a nanny. That’s a big responsibility. I have been blessed that I live with children who are only one step away from being mine. One very important step, but they are close enough to me I feel like a parent sometimes. These are the children I should concern myself with for now. If I never get married and never have children of my own I will still have known these ones. I can still help craft a home even if it isn’t mine. This home I live in has served as a haven and I can help keep a place of peace. I don’t need my own. I would like my own, but it is not necessary to fulfill the desire in me. I can help Crystal help Seth. It’s one step away, but it’s enough. I support and encourage her and she takes the energy she didn’t use doing the things I do and she uses it to be a better helpmeet to Seth. I don’t have to wait to be the sort of person I want to be or do what I want to do. I can do them now, they’re just one step removed. I am not just waiting, though I am waiting. And whenever I feel like strangling one of the children I can remind myself that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.