A Road Less Travelled

Comments(0)

I was talking to a very sweet woman today. She knew that Adiel and Josh had recently lost their baby and so she was asking me how they were doing. All in all it was a very sweet thought, but how she asked took me aback. She said, “I heard your sister had suffered a setback recently. Do you think she’ll be able to (and here she searched for a word) regroup?” ‘Suffered a setback’? ‘Regroup’? I had to remind myself that she meant for the best and I had to make myself not lash out at her. What is so wrong with us that we can’t even talk about death? Or did she not even see a baby who had never been born as alive? From what I know about this woman I would say that the latter statement doesn’t apply to her, but why couldn’t she ask me how my sister and her husband were mourning? A baby’s death is not a setback. It is a death. You regroup from a setback. You mourn a death. Have we come so far that we can’t even talk to each other about death and sadness, but we have to use business terms to express what has happened? Come on, people, what is so scary about recognizing pain and sorrow? Do you actually want to be helpful and supportive? Then ask me about what really happened and use words that mean something. Use words of comfort and help not words of cold and distance. No one weeps for a setback. The word is safe. But caring for people isn’t safe and if you want to care you need to go all the way. Otherwise the person you talked to will walk away upset and you will have given no comfort and no help.

Comments(2)

I don’t feel like writing a blog post. To write a blog post reminds me that I haven’t written a blog post since Tuesday, and that was just a quick post saying “Hi, I haven’t posted in a long time.” So here’s the deal. James and Theresa and the children are in San Antonio at the Christian Film Festival. I am staying with the Ben-Ezras. This happened for a combination of reasons, starting with the fact that life just seemed really crazy. I still can’t explain why it seemed more ‘normal’ to stay in a house where everyone’s short on sleep because the baby has whooping cough than to go on a trip with my family, but even after a morning where I didn’t get dressed until a couple hours ago because I was holding a fussy baby while trying to feed children and dress Noah and such, this just seems like the right place to be. I did not want to go to San Antonio. I wanted to move into Peoria and just be there for a while before running off somewhere else. When I finally detected that I had a bad attitude about it, I knew I desperately needed to shift my focus somehow. So I spent a while trying to figure out some way to help out the Ben-Ezras. It was a futile, frustrating exercise as far as helping went because, well, I was going to be gone so there wasn’t much I could do. But it did straighten out my attitude. I was no longer trying to be the center of the universe, even in my own subtle way. Suddenly plans were laid and confirmed for me to stay with the Ben-Ezras and help out while James and Theresa were in Texas. Perhaps it wasn’t sudden, but in retrospect–it’s quicker to type that way. Life is pretty strange around here, but life is always strange in one way or another. This is where I’m supposed to be right now. On top of that I’m almost sure that Noah said, “Aunt Raquel” this morning. To be sure, it sounded more like, “Arrrr-ke” but I know what he meant.

Comments(3)

Justice is doing much better. Yesterday Crystal started giving him herbal supplements and some baby Ibuprofin. He slept for much of today and we have noticed his coughing fits getting shorter. We all agree on this fact so I am pretty sure it isn’t just wishful thinking. He slept better last night so Crystal actually got sleep. I am praying that this trend continues. Thank you for praying with us.

Comments(0)

Well, at least off the face of blogdom–temporarily that is. First, we moved. The computer was all packed up, we were running around like crazy. No blog posts. Then we had to wait a few days for the DSL service to start. No blog posts. Then DSL service didn’t start when it was supposed to start. Sigh. No blog posts. I am now writing this blog post from the Ben-Ezra’s computer. Yeah, blog post!

Comments(0)

Last Sunday I took the kids to the park. On the way back from this mission of mercy I bumped into the neighbor’s van as I pulled up to the curb outside our house. I took the driver’s side headlight clear off and put a little dent into the side. The headlight is actually all in one piece. The neighbors, who were being far too sweet about the whole thing, decided to call the police and make a full report so that when they filed an insurance claim they could say everything was done properly. The police officer was also very nice about the whole thing, but according to Illinois law he had to give me a ticket for pulling to the curb incorrectly. Fine, I said, fine. I’ll just pay it and everything will be done with. I got everything ready to mail the government a check and pay my debt and all that when I noticed the small writing under the address of where to send the check. “Cannot pay earlier than 5 business days.” I am first going to make an assumption that they are telling me that I cannot pay earlier than 5 business after the accident, but I think they really mean that I may not pay or perhaps that I should not pay. So, if this assumption is correct I am not allowed to pay the U.S. government the money they say I owe them until they say I am allowed to. I could go into the courthouse and say, “I give you money” and they will say, “I am sorry we don’t want it yet!” So now I have to wait for 5 business days. 5 business days from when. Whose business days? Some businesses are closed on Mondays. Do those count as business days or do I only count the days every business is open? Should I ask them or do I have to wait for 5 business days? Boy, I knew politics were confusing, but I had no idea it was this bad.

Comments(0)

There is an issue I keep coming back to. I keep coming back to the issue and each time I feel frustrated because it feels like I should be over this by now. I keep wondering what does it mean for me to be feminine. What does that look like? I understand my calling as a woman, but what does moment to moment living look like when I’m being feminine? Part of my problem is that most of the women I look up to are sweet women. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love sweet women. The ones with the kind, sweet voices and that way of speaking that makes you feel soft. I’m sure you know one of these women. They are wonderful. There is just one problem. I am not a sweet woman. Not by any stretch of the imagination. The sweetest voice I have is the voice I call my Patient Voice. It’s the voice I use when I am about out of patience and I need to keep myself from lashing out at the children. That does not seem like the way I should walk through life just so I can have a sweet voice. I know this, but I keep coming back to the fact that I think those women are very feminine and I ain’t them. So what’s feminine look like for me? I keep coming back to this question and Seth keeps pointing me back to, of all things, the Bible. What does the Church look like? She is the ultimate in feminine. What does she do and what are her attributes? He keeps encouraging me to find Her attributes and then to emulate them. Well, fine, but the ones that come most naturally are the annoying ones. The ones that don’t look sweet. The Church’s prophets were strident and their hearers thought them so obnoxious. I can be strident and obnoxious and I might even be right sometimes. The Church can be loud and boisterous and over-the-top full of life. Um, (uncomfortable shuffle) I think that’s me, too. For crying out loud, I wear bright orange. The Church stands on what She believes is right and She does not back down. I can be pigheaded sometimes. Not as pigheaded as Raquel, but I know there are some issues I will not shift on. The Church loves Her children when they’re being soft and snuggly and when they’re singing off key at the top of their lungs. I love my children snuggly or loud. Oh, wait, love’s a sweet attribute. That’s not on the list of annoying attributes. I keep coming back to this list and I wonder if I really have to figure it out. Is it just pride to think I can have anything all figured out. I keep coming back to the list and then I wonder if I should just give up trying to get it all figured out and just try to live as a woman. As a Godly woman. I wonder if I focus on that if the rest will just take care of itself. I don’t know; I just wonder. Do I keep coming back to this issue because I know the answer and I just don’t want to admit it because it isn’t who I want to be? Is my problem not confusion, but discontentedness? Am I just railing against the God who made me loud, obnoxious and pigheaded? This is the same God who made me love my children. He gave me a sweet attribute amongst all the others. If I don’t rail against Him for the one why should I rail against Him for all the others? Not that I should be upset about this to begin with, you understand. You understand? Do I understand? Not in the front of my head, but the back of my head where it really sticks. Do I understand? Ugh, it still comes back to that age old question, “Will you trust Me now?” He made me like me; do I trust Him that it was a good decision? Or do I think that the Creator of the sky, cows and my lake screwed up when He made me? Um, I think I’d rather not answer that question. Hmm, I need something to distract you while I slip away. Hey, look! Purple Monkeys!!

Comments(2)

An update- Seth and Crystal took Justice to the doctor on Saturday. He still doesn’t believe us that anyone had or has whooping cough. Crystal is very frustrated. She is taking herbs that help loosen mucus in hopes that it will go through the breast milk and help Justice. All we can do now is wait. Justice will either get worse or stay the same for another two weeks before he starts to get better. Neither Seth nor Crystal are sleeping because Justice will wake them up coughing or wanting to be held. They are trying a new schedule where Seth keeps Justice for part of the night while Crystal sleeps and then they switch. This way each of them will get a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. They are both exhausted which makes it harder to care for Justice and the other children. On the plus side we talked to a friend who is a nurse and she listened to Justice cough. She says that he is still breathing while he coughs so there isn’t a long stretch of time when he simply stops breathing. As long as he doesn’t get pneumonia in a couple of weeks this should all be over. Please pray for Justice to be healed and for sleep for Seth and Crystal. And please pray for me to have patience with the older four as I am their primary caregiver right now.

Comments(0)

We watched the last episode of Babylon 5 last night. I knew I would feel sad that it was done, but I wasn’t expecting the last episode to have the punch it did. The last three episodes were mostly taken up with goodbyes. People were leaving; they’re lives were taking them other places. Most goodbyes were said with affection and sadness for leaving a place they love so well and the people who fill that place. The very last episode was about one big goodbye. A man had been given twenty years of life and now those years were up. It takes place about eighteen years after the previous episode. He feels his death approaching and so he gathers all his old friends about him and they have a party. The next day he says goodbye to his wife. I was doing okay until this part. The music, the script, the camera work all combined to make me cry. And I wasn’t crying like I normally do when a movie makes me cry. Then tears flow down my face and I don’t pay much attention to them. No, this was the personal crying when my face scrunches up and I am sobbing. Amidst my tears the man boards a spaceship and goes out into space to have one last look around and then to die. He visits Babylon 5 which is about to be decomissioned. He visits the sight of his victory over the forces that threatened everything he loved. And there he fell asleep and didn’t wake up. No one ever found his body. His friends all go to Babylon 5 to see it one last time. As they leave a maintenance worker turns off the lights. That worker was played by J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of Babylon 5 and the writer of most of the episodes. He directed this episode and then he turned out the lights. And then, as everyone watches, Babylon 5 is destroyed. It wasn’t being used anymore and to protect it from being ill used it was destroyed. I think I cried then, too. We then are shown the characters going about their lives. Some lives have changed for the better, some have stayed the same for the better. It ends with peace, life and sadness. If I ever meet Mister Straczynski I will first slap him and then ask if I may shake his hand. The same goes for Christopher Franke who composed the music. Babylon 5 is a masterful story told by a master of the craft. I am glad to carry it with me. But now it has ended as all stories must. I joked that it felt like an ending of an age, but I am not sure how serious I am about that anymore. However serious or not, I am sorry to see it end, even though it must. And so, goodnight. Perhaps we will meet again in the place where no shadows lie.

Comments(0)

I have received money from an overwhelming majority of my faithful readers. (Translation- Two people left comments and I am in a good mood right now.) I will now post the pictures the government doesn’t want you to see. (Or something like that.)

Comments(7)