A Road Less Travelled

We watched a movie last night. It happens to be one that I like, but it had the basic action movie plot. As I watched I had to wonder if it holds any clues as to why I’m still single. After all, they lived happily ever after–after things stopped exploding–and my life looks nothing like that. Perhaps the problem is that I’ve never been held hostage by any sort of mad criminal. It does sound like a distinct possibility, however I prefer not to be held hostage by any criminals, insane or otherwise. There must be something else. Ooh, ooh, I know! It’s because I don’t trust strange men with my life after twenty minutes accquaintance. That sounds like a promising train of thought…except that before I met the proper dashing young hero, this strategy would probably get me kidnapped by the aforementioned mad criminal. I’d still like to avoid that scenario. Maybe it’s because none of my relatives are famous scientists, detectives or secret government agents. (My father used to be a security guard; does that count?) Or because I live neither in old rambling mansion in the middle of nowhere, or in an apartment in the city. Maybe if I got myself into a car chase, or got lost out in the woods, or took up skiing so I could get trapped in an avalache, or… But no, it would all be to no avail. This has nothing to do with the real reason I’m still single. It’s perfectly clear that only one thing really stands in my way. My hair is far too long. Look at them in the movies–if I had a sleek bob like Sandra Bullock, or my hair was short and tousled like Meg Ryan’s then nothing would stand in my way. But instead I have all this hair weighing me down. Obviously I wouldn’t survive an action movie when my hair might be caught or trapped at any moment. No matter that I could actually run away from danger, while they’re still back there trying to scamper a bit in their high heels and short skirts. No matter that I know at least a dozen ways of taking out a mad criminal if he did try to hold me hostage. No matter that I have at least a smattering of wilderness survival, which is far more than they display in most movies. No matter that if I had to I could almost strangle someone with this hair. After all, if I were truly unselfish I would cut off all this hair and donate it to sick children. No dashing young hero has any interest in such a selfish heroine. And clearly it takes far too long to take care of all this hair when on the run from the bad guys (unlike all the makeup and hair styling that the heroines need). It’s really just as well. Even I did get rescued by a dashing young hero, it would somehow be planned for when James and Theresa were out on a date, so I’d be transporting five children around with me the whole time. I think I’ll stick with my normally abnormal life that doesn’t get me shot at. And I’ll keep the hair.