A Road Less Travelled

There is an issue I keep coming back to. I keep coming back to the issue and each time I feel frustrated because it feels like I should be over this by now. I keep wondering what does it mean for me to be feminine. What does that look like? I understand my calling as a woman, but what does moment to moment living look like when I’m being feminine? Part of my problem is that most of the women I look up to are sweet women. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love sweet women. The ones with the kind, sweet voices and that way of speaking that makes you feel soft. I’m sure you know one of these women. They are wonderful. There is just one problem. I am not a sweet woman. Not by any stretch of the imagination. The sweetest voice I have is the voice I call my Patient Voice. It’s the voice I use when I am about out of patience and I need to keep myself from lashing out at the children. That does not seem like the way I should walk through life just so I can have a sweet voice. I know this, but I keep coming back to the fact that I think those women are very feminine and I ain’t them. So what’s feminine look like for me? I keep coming back to this question and Seth keeps pointing me back to, of all things, the Bible. What does the Church look like? She is the ultimate in feminine. What does she do and what are her attributes? He keeps encouraging me to find Her attributes and then to emulate them. Well, fine, but the ones that come most naturally are the annoying ones. The ones that don’t look sweet. The Church’s prophets were strident and their hearers thought them so obnoxious. I can be strident and obnoxious and I might even be right sometimes. The Church can be loud and boisterous and over-the-top full of life. Um, (uncomfortable shuffle) I think that’s me, too. For crying out loud, I wear bright orange. The Church stands on what She believes is right and She does not back down. I can be pigheaded sometimes. Not as pigheaded as Raquel, but I know there are some issues I will not shift on. The Church loves Her children when they’re being soft and snuggly and when they’re singing off key at the top of their lungs. I love my children snuggly or loud. Oh, wait, love’s a sweet attribute. That’s not on the list of annoying attributes. I keep coming back to this list and I wonder if I really have to figure it out. Is it just pride to think I can have anything all figured out. I keep coming back to the list and then I wonder if I should just give up trying to get it all figured out and just try to live as a woman. As a Godly woman. I wonder if I focus on that if the rest will just take care of itself. I don’t know; I just wonder. Do I keep coming back to this issue because I know the answer and I just don’t want to admit it because it isn’t who I want to be? Is my problem not confusion, but discontentedness? Am I just railing against the God who made me loud, obnoxious and pigheaded? This is the same God who made me love my children. He gave me a sweet attribute amongst all the others. If I don’t rail against Him for the one why should I rail against Him for all the others? Not that I should be upset about this to begin with, you understand. You understand? Do I understand? Not in the front of my head, but the back of my head where it really sticks. Do I understand? Ugh, it still comes back to that age old question, “Will you trust Me now?” He made me like me; do I trust Him that it was a good decision? Or do I think that the Creator of the sky, cows and my lake screwed up when He made me? Um, I think I’d rather not answer that question. Hmm, I need something to distract you while I slip away. Hey, look! Purple Monkeys!!