Just Chillin’ (Gabrielle)
Have you ever had one of those times when you are about to leave, but you’re not leaving yet, but you don’t have enough time to go do something? I hate those times. I call it waiting mode. Now, in this house there isn’t much in the way of waiting mode because we are usually running late and there are too many things to do before we can leave. I am grateful for that because I already have too much much waiting mode going on.
I feel like I live my life fighting against waiting mode. I have a destination in mind, but I’m not there yet. I know what I want to do with my life, but there is nothing I can do to make this end come any closer. And so I say that I am waiting. But I don’t want to be in waiting mode.
Waiting mode is no place. It is between places. And I feel this very much because I live my life between roles. I am not married, but I help keep a home. I do not have any children, but I am an authority to the children I live with. I am single, but I don’t live the single life. I feel in between. And when what I want would reshape my life it is so hard not to simply stay in between until it gets here. I could easily just cruise. But I don’t want to. I want to be someplace and do something there. And so I wake up every morning with the knowledge that this day is going to be a fight with waiting mode just like all the days before.
Recently I have enjoyed my life. This doesn’t mean that before now life was just drudgery and woe. It’s just lately I have felt at peace with where my life is and I have enjoyed some of the things my life holds more than at other times. There were some things I did with the children that I enjoyed very much and I have felt glad with my life. But I still feel the waiting at the edges of my mind. I can feel the cold of between. And I pray that God would keep it away just a little longer so that I could be glad with my life and my lot.
John Milton wrote a poem on a similar theme, titled “On His Blindess”. It ends with that beautiful (and encouraging) line, “They also serve who stand and wait.”
Gabrielle,
Even as you are ‘in between’, past what was and waiting for the next big thing, I find that the big things are all past for me. I am ‘after it all’. The only other big thing for me is to die. Now, I may live another 30 years. And those thirty years will not be empty. I see myself doing much in the service of our Lord Jesus, much that will advance His kingdom and aid His saints - even though the only big thing left is to die. In a similar way, while you are ‘in between’, there is much that you will do in service to Christ, much that will advance His kingdom and aid His saints. And for that I am very grateful.
Dad
I feel your pain. I don’t like just doing nothing, but at times I’ll have 5 - 10 minutes before going to play racquetball or something like that, not enough time to run an errand, too much time to just sit around….
I generally leave early and drive slowly
Somehow waiting at the gym feels like I’m working out while waiting!
It is a wait-out!! Reminds me of edutainment.
to the other posts:
i LOVE that milton quote. I’ll have to look up the whole pasage sometime.
edutainment?
is that anything like Homer Simpson’s ‘infotainment’?
to “Dad” (or is it Leon?):
I wouldn’t be so certain. I appreciate that you have done much in your life thus far, and have experienced the great joys of fatherhood, and grandfatherhood, but the most important work in your life COULD still be yet ahead.
and to the original post:
the beauty is that you dont know how long you’ll be waiting, so i’ve found the best solution is to pick up something that you won’t feel bad about dropping, and then you dont ever have to say you’re ‘waiting’.
Like… write a novel, start a work of art, or (insert own idea here) then when people ask you what you’re doing with yourself, you can say you’re grossly engulfed in a personal adventure. then when whatever you’re waiting for comes along, you can drop it and say, well, i’ve moved on to something more important, and then you can save that project for a time when you may feel like you’re ‘waiting’ in the future.
blah… there you go. I disappear for weeks at a time from the blogworld, just to come back with a long rant (maybe ‘rant’ is not the word i’m looking for, but i dont feel like flexing my vocabulary right now), and then “poof”, who knows where i’ll appear next?