A Road Less Travelled

September morning
first fuzzy sweater
since last winter 

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Several weeks ago Raquel and I started walking together in the morning. We started walking because we both wanted the exercise, but as we walked I started looking at it as an opportunity to connect with our neighborhood. Over the several weeks we’ve been walking I have felt more of a connection with our neighborhood than before because I’ve walked around it and been to most of it. Today marks the third week in a row we have walked every day. I see this as something of an accomplishment because there have been many days in the last three weeks I thought we were going to have to cancel our walk. But, through no fault of our own, we have now walked every day for three weeks. And today we got an indication that we are connecting with the neighborhood if only a little bit.

We were about to cross the street when a women in a car pulled up next to us and beckoned us over to her. She rolled down the window and told us that she sees us walking around every day and she just wanted to tell us that she likes our clothes. I felt rather surprised by this, but I felt encouraged by it on a couple different levels. The top level is simply that someone has noticed us. Someone has actually noticed us everyday and had something complementary to say. That made me feel glad.

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  Raquel cooked beans for dinner on Wednesday night and we also had fruit stuff and fresh bread from Great Harvest. At the moment I can’t remember exactly what we talked about, but I do remember doing One good Thing. Most of the children’s One Good Thing involved some form of the Ben-Ezras came over. A little before five I had gotten a call from Samuel L. who invited the three older Ben-Ezra children over before dinner. Isaac ended up staying home and helping Crystal put something together, but the other two went over and they all played several variations of tag. Theresa had made garment dividers for the clothes rack in their laundry room and we teased Crystal because now Theresa is more organized than she is. James served wine with dinner and I really enjoyed my glass, though I don’t remember what it was called. Riesling? Reisling? I don’t remember. After dinner James brought out a licorice liqueur. That was very good. After the liqueur I gathered up Justice and Noah and took them home. Once again, a delightful evening.

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For those of you who will understand- Kathey walked to our house yesterday! Hooray!

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Here’s one of my old travelling haiku: 

state border
one down
too many more to go 

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A while back I was telling Crystal about Panache, a coffee shop on Sheridan. I told her that it was a little too polite for my tastes. Somehow we got from there to the topic of how people can be too polite. Crystal said she thought I would want people to be polite. She assumed I didn’t want them to be rude. I remember thinking that there was a better word for how I want people to treat me. Polite seemed close, but it has some connotations I didn’t really like. Then I hit on the word. I want people to be kind.

Acting politely is acting in the ways your culture has decided are good when you don’t necessarily mean it. This may seem like a skewed definition, but I do think this is the way many people who think about it think. You act politely because it is the proper thing to do and it doesn’t really matter whether you mean what you say or do. Politeness has nothing to do with the state of your heart.

I don’t like people being polite to me. If someone says something nice, but I can tell he doesn’t really agree with what just came out of his mouth it is worse than useless. It makes me wonder about everything else he says or does. Does he really think that? Why did he do that? Is he trying to be considerate or is it just that when he was young he used to get in trouble if he wasn’t polite? Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me if my clothes don’t match or that what I said really wasn’t funny instead of smiling politely or giving me a pity laugh. I really don’t like people just being polite to me..

However, I do very much enjoy people being kind to me. Kindness is comes out of a love for somebody else. It can be an intimate love for a close friend or a general love for a complete stranger. When you are acting considerately towards someone out of a sincere desire to bless that person you are loving them and acting kindly.

When someone is caring and considerate because he is truly trying to be kind I feel blessed by it. Sometimes kindness can even look the same as politeness, but the motivations are very different. Kindness has to be genuine or it isn’t kindness. Politeness can be faked and still be considered polite. If somebody tells me my dress looks very nice and I can tell this person is just being polite then I either completely disregard what he just said or I wonder if there is something wrong with my clothing that made this person feel he had to be polite about it. If someone came to me and told me that my dress doesn’t even match itself (not that this has ever happened) and he (well, actually she) was sincerely trying to be kind by helping me with my appearance then I will actually put some thought into what she has said. I might not agree, but I will consider the matter because the person who brought it up was being kind to me.

The opposite of polite is rude. The opposite of kind is mean. The opposite of kind is not rude. What is rude and what is not is simply what your culture thinks is rude or not. What is kind or unkind has been decided by God and then written down in the Bible. Sometimes kindness looks like rudeness, though that depends on your culture and circumstances. There is a lot of friendly banter between James and I and sometimes it can be downright rude, but it is still kindness because we are enjoying each other’s company by a matching of wits (I usually lose). We are acting out of friendship with each other. We are acting kindly towards each other. Most times at dinner either Seth or I will tell Crystal that the food is really good. We are not just being polite, though it is a polite thing to say. We say what we do (when we remember) out of a desire to thank Crystal for the blessing she has given us by making dinner. It looks the same as a polite thing to say, but the motivation behind our words is very different.

  Okay, so I’ve laid out my case and now I have a question I think y’all might be asking. What does it matter? How does this distinction change anything? Well, I can answer that. I have not the foggiest idea. I really don’t know what if anything should or will change because of what I’ve said here. I know that probably nothing will change in me. I’ve hated people being polite to me for so long I’ve really tried not to do it to anyone else. I’m not sure what, if anything, should change, but I do think the distinction between kindness and politeness is a helpful distinction to have. It’s made it a little clearer to me what I want from other people and what I should give to them. It might also be helpful in focusing on what I want to encourage the children towards. I hope this post will be a kindness to you and yours. If it isn’t you can tell me. You don’t have to be polite.

 

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Last night Theresa used a recipe she hasn’t in a while and made a pork sweet and sour sauce to go over rice. It were yummy. During dinner James regaled us with his brilliant moves as Turkey in the Diplomacy game currently going on at Samaritan. I expressed my severe surprise that Russia is still trusting Turkey after he’s been backstabbed twice now. (Russia, if you’re reading this, don’t trust him anymore!) Toby was actually the one who remembered to do One Good Thing, though when we got to him apparently the only good thing that had happened to him yesterday was that we came over for dinner. My personal favorite One Good Thing was Isaac’s. He told us all about going to some stores with Crystal and buying some toys. He got a stuffed Superman, an alien, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and a pink bunny. Somehow it seemed very typical of him.

We wrapped up kinda early last night because James had to get up at stupid:30 this morning to go to Chicago and we didn’t want him to fall asleep at the wheel and die, but we still had time to talk about Harriet the Spy, John LeCarre, research stories and children’s literature. A well-rounded conversation, wouldn’t you agree?

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In a recent blog post (recent as in the other one I posted today) I mentioned scurrying over to the Lansberry establishment to borrow plates, chairs and a table. Well, today I had to return them. I gathered the three older children and gave the plates to Arianna, a highchair to each lad and I hefted the folding table. That left three metal folding chairs to come back for. We trotted down to the Lansberry house with our burdens and were met by the Lansberry children who were very excited we had come. I sent Samuel B. and Arianna back to get a folding chair while Isaac and I got the highchairs inside. Various Lansberry children asked if they could help and so I soon had a small stream of children running down the sidewalk to our house. Toby stayed and helped me get the  highchairs back where they go and then I went out the front door. I was going to go help with the chairs, but I just had to stop and look at the parade coming up the sidewalk. I wish I had a camera with me, but I don’t think a still picture could capture this sight.

Imagine a brilliant blue sky and a clean concrete sidewalk. Add bright sunlight, a brilliant grass and the muted sounds of traffi. Two houses away a crowd of children is milling around. Soon they get themselves organized and the stream that ran down the sidewalk begins to come back. Samuel B. and Peter are in the lead carrying a metal folding chair between them. Next comes Isaac holding the chair over his head. Samuel L., Toby and Moriah stayed at our house to say hello to Noah on the porch. Elsie is walking next Arianna offering to help her with her chair, but Arianna is waiting for Samuel L. so Elsie walks next to Samuel B. giving her moral support. Samuel L. finally arrives to pick up his end of things and Toby and Moriah are strolling back admiring the day. And all of the chairs made it to their home without getting dropped or dragged. The stream of children trickles into the Lansberry house, sets the chairs where they go and then me and mine stroll on home.

I do believe this was the first time I’ve enjoyed returning chairs so very much.

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 I’m not sure this is even really a haiku, but whatever it is I’m posting it in honor of the changing season.

 

cold feet
cold floor
cold shoes 

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Yesterday felt like a busy day. I am not sure if we were actually busy, but it felt slightly hectic for most of the day. We were having a family over for dinner and we were cleaning the house, cooking and trying to figure out how to squeeze eleven other people into this shoebox we lovingly call home.

The MacDonalds (this family of eleven)  moved here from Texas a few weeks ago for several reasons foremost of which is so that Mr. MacDonald can pastor a church here. We are going to be joining this church and so the elders were coming over last night to talk to us about us.  The plan grew to include the entire MacDonald family (minus the eldest son who is still in Texas) coming over for dinner. So we were scurrying around the house cleaning and I went scurrying over to the Lansberry house to borrow plates and chairs and a table. Around three we get a phone call from Seth. I had a lot of fun listening to Crystal’s side of the conversation. It went something like- “Hi. Okay. What? Really? Oh, yeah, I guess. Well, okay. Do the MacDonalds know? Alright. Okay, then.” Somehow in the middle of this riveting conversation I managed to figure out what was going on. The plan had changed now to us, the MacDonalds, the Lansberrys and the Evans (Mr. of whom is also an elder in the church) meeting for dinner at the Samaritan building. After I got over the whiplash I was rather pleased with this scheme. This way we wouldn’t have to squish into the Apartments and everyone would be a lot more comfortable. We finished up our food, I ran to the store and we loaded everything and everyone up and headed off.

It was a very pleasant dinner. When we got there the Evans had already gotten tables set up and were working on putting plates, cups and silverware out. The MacDonalds came and Crystal welcomed them into our home.  The Lansberrys decided not to come at the last minute because Theresa was just too tired. After dinner we made the mothers sit down and I blinked once and most of the cleanup was done. We went down to the family lounge and the younger children ran around and played and the older to grown children played ping pong. The third elder arrived and they and Seth and Crystal went into another room to talk and after I put Justice down to sleep in his Pack n’ Play (God’s second greatest gift to man) I joined them. We didn’t leave until about ten, but I didn’t feel horribly tired. I felt a little physically tired, but emotionally I felt fine. Between three families there were twenty-eight people there, but it didn’t actually feel like a large crowd. I don’t know if that is a commentary on me or the people who were there.

I am very glad dinner ended up the way it did. I got to sit and eat with people I haven’t eaten with often (though that will probably change), the children had a chance to run around and play and our house got cleaned up very nicely. I would say that dinner last night was an all-around good thing.

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