A Road Less Travelled

So. Hi. I’m still alive. Just in case you were wondering. I can’t even claim extraordinary busyness as an excuse for not posting. (Well, except for maybe last week when we were trying to get ready for Liberty Day.)

So why haven’t I posted? Well, I could refer back to the boring thoughts post. That’s part of it. But mostly it’s because I’ve been in my least favorite state of life. This is the state where my life is chugging along just fine, and I can’t point to anything that’s wrong, but I just can’t get it together.

I much prefer it when my life is outwardly crazy and I have a great attitude about it. It’s much easier to answer difficult questions such as, “How was your week?” when I can reel off a string of events and finish with “but it was lots of fun”. When life is fine but I’m not quite, it goes more like this–

“So, how was your week?”

“Oh… okay, I guess.”

“Only okay? Why, what happened?”

I pause and consider. I was fuzzy headed and could never seem to remember what I was doing. I kept snapping at the children and I don’t know why and couldn’t seem to stop no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t get anything done, and I don’t know what I did with my time. I couldn’t seem to muster the energy for what I was supposed to be doing and couldn’t figure out if I was just being lazy or I really was that tired. These all seem like hard to explain answers that make me sound whiny. So I give a true but barely tip of the iceberg response, “I guess I was just tired.”

At least this time I’m having one of those learning-something-I’ve-always known experiences. As all Reformed people know, the Christian walk is not about having an emotional experience. God is faithful independent of our emotions, etc, etc. I think I’ve always assumed that meant we don’t we don’t have to be enthusiastically joyful all the time; being even-keeled is also acceptable. And being sad or low is okay as long as we have a valid reason and it makes us feel dependent on God. Of course it sounds dumb when I actually spell it out in words, but most of my vague impressions do.

So here I am, and I don’t feel like doing any of the things I’m supposed to being doing. And I’d really, really like to–because it’s so much easier to obey when it’s fun, right? But maybe that would be too easy. I don’t feel excited about this opportunity to learn and practice things I should know. But I know that I am completely dependent on God to get me through (even if I feel like I’m just floundering) and I know that His plans are always better than mine. And that’s good enough. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.