A Bad Dream (Gabrielle)
October 22, 2008 by sharppointythings
I had an odd dream this morning. I dreamed that because of my life decisions I looked ridiculous in front of a girl I knew when I was growing up. She and I never really got along. We didn’t hate each other, at least not after a while, but we just never really clicked. I get an update on how she’s doing every now and then and she sounds like she’s doing really well. She’s married, she’s got a job it sounds like she loves; she seems really happy and successful. And in my dream I was at her house, which was in the middle of the woods, after roller blading there because Seth told me to. Well, I walked part of the way and then found a pair of roller blades that took me the rest of the way. I couldn’t walk the whole way back and it turned out the roller blades were hers so I couldn’t use them to get home. So we were standing outside her house trying to figure out how to get me home and I was just overwhelmed with how stupid I felt.
At this point the dream stopped making any sense and we started dancing together to music that was coming from nowhere, but when I woke up I was still caught up in the emotions of the dream. I felt ridiculous and stupid. And somehow it all came down to my decisions on what to do with my life. I felt like a failure.
This makes no sense to me. I spent yesterday doing what I feel called to. It was a satisfying if tiring day. I was catching my brothers and sisters when they needed me and I was doing it to the best of my ability. I wasn’t doing it perfectly, but at the end of the day I felt happy, satisfied, with how I’d done. And here this dream is mocking me for all that.
I struggle sometimes because I don’t feel like I make sense. Even our culture has a slot in its collective consciousness for ‘Homemaker’ or ‘Stay-At-Home Mom’. But there is no slot for me. Stay-At-Home Aunt. A couple months ago I was going to get a credit card so that I could establish some good credit, but I got halfway through filling out the application and had to stop because I look like such a loser on paper. I don’t think I am a loser, but sometimes I feel like I look like one.
And this is all very annoying. It would be one thing if someone out there was criticizing me. I could answer if I thought it would help matters or I could just ignore them. But my own dreams have turned traitor and made me feel ridiculous. It’s hard to argue with something that makes as little sense as the dream I had. I don’t agree with it, I don’t think it’s at all true, but I felt the emotions as my own and that’s hard to come away from. And where did the dancing come from, anyway?
If it makes you feel any better, I feel ridiculous around her, too- and not just in my dreams. In fact, I feel ridiculous around a lot of people most every day of my life. Maybe that feeling will go away someday and maybe it won’t, but at least we KNOW we are doing what God wants us to do right now. And as long as you don’t feel ridiculous in front of Him, then you’re doing okay.
Well, it’s good to know that we can just ignore some feelings when they don’t fit with what’s true.
I wrote and re-wrote and re-wrote a comment here, one that would cheer you up, was slightly funny, wisdom filled, and better than Dad’s. I couldn’t write something that fulfilled all those requirements so I just wanted to say that I don’t find you or your decisions ridiculous.
A little odd maybe, but there was no way any of us 5 kids were going to grow up and not be odd in a good way