A Road Less Travelled

I have this theory that someday, probably a long, long time from now, I’m going to write a book. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to talk about in my book, hence the long time from now, but I know I want to direct it to people who live in between. I want to write to people who live at Q, but usually hear messages directed at people who are either at A or Z.

See, I myself live in between. I’m single, but I live with a family. I live with a family, but I don’t live in my husband’s house or my father’s. I’m unique which is nice, but gets difficult when I’m working through an issue and would love the advice from someone with experience being where I am. Most people are experienced either with A or with Z, but I’ve never met someone who had the slightest idea about Q.

I feel very single most of the time. I feel lonely and that craving for someone who would be my special, someone I could have an exclusive relationship with that no one else has. I feel like I am made for someone, but there isn’t anyone I have right now that I complete or who completes me. So I’m dealing with all the trials that come with being single.

At the same time I deal with all the trials that come from living in a family and caring for children. I get woken up at night by crying children, I understand the frustrations of teaching a child who doesn’t want to learn, sometimes I desperately need to get out of the house and away from all the noise and confusion. I deal with the trials of raising children and keeping a home going.

Now, I’m highlighting the trials I’m carrying from both sides. There are good parts of being in between for sure. I left for five weeks with a minimum of pain and suffering. I have little people who miss me when I’m gone and are thrilled to see me when I get back. And what I’ve described so far isn’t actually the in between I’m talking about. I know some young women who live a life very similar to mine with one small, but so very important detail- they still live in their father’s house.

Leaving home was a very big deal to me. It has been an even bigger deal than I imagined at the time. When I moved out I left an important facet of being a woman in Erie. I left my father who was cherishing me.

This I think is the biggest part of feeling in between. When people I listen to talk about being a single young woman working as an assistant homemaker they assume that the woman is living with her father who is cherishing her as he should. So even though they might feel lonely for a husband there isn’t any insult being added to injury. She is still being loved and taken care of and being made to feel like a special person. But I left that behind. My father cherishes me through phone calls and visits and I can’t imagine life without that, but he isn’t here. There are times when I’ve wished I would feel specially loved instead of merely useful. I’ve gone through patches where I’ve felt distinctly unfeminine because there wasn’t anyone treating me especially like a woman.

I’m not criticizing anyone in my life for this lack. My father does his best, but he’s not here. Seth does his best, but he’s my brother and we’ve never thought about this before. When I was deciding whether or not to move here I honestly never considered this aspect of my life out of my father’s home. It’s something I figured out on the way and we’re working on dealing with it as best as we can, but there’s no one to ask advice from and there’s no one who’s talking about this.

And that’s because I live in between. I live where people haven’t thought about and not many understand. I am a pioneer and I’m realizing that I really don’t like being a pioneer. I’m much more comfortable following a well marked path than trying to blaze my own. But this is where I am and here I will stay until I’m called elsewhere. And hey, maybe while I’m here I’ll write a book to people who might follow in my steps. No doubt it will be a very short book with a limited audience.