A Road Less Travelled

As I mentioned previously, I’ve recently started a new diet plan which is geared not so much to make me lose weight as to changing my habits and attitudes when it comes to food. It’s been going really well. I’m exercising, I’m eating well and I’m sleeping deeply. I’m constantly amazed by all the changes this diet has brought because, see, I’ve done diets before. And they’ve never worked.

I have been on several diets in the past that were all some form of calorie counting. I was horrible at dieting. I wouldn’t count my calories or I would only count some. I would sneak food and I hated exercising. I think it had something to do with who’s idea the diets were. In times past the diets were all overseen by someone else and all the pressure was top down. I didn’t really care. I was just going along with it because someone else was pushing me to. This time is completely different. I want to change my attitude and habits. Nobody else is pushing me. Crystal helped me set up a plan because she’s good at all that medical stuffs, but the plan is mine and the execution is mine. There is no one to sneak around on because I’m the one in charge.

I figured this out pretty early on. I started this diet shortly after Isaac’s birthday party. I was completely off of sugar and we had a pan of brownies in the house. I remember I came home from something late at night and no one else was awake. I was taking my boots off when I realized that I could go have a brownie and no one would know. This thought stopped me dead in my tracks because I didn’t want the brownie. I honestly didn’t. The only reason I was thinking about it was because I was on a diet and sneaking food while on a diet was habit. But there wasn’t anyone to sneak around. The only one paying attention was me and I didn’t want the brownie.

Last week I had a bad head cold so I wasn’t walking in the morning because I couldn’t breathe as well as I’d like. Walking is good, but I don’t think fainting counts as cardio. So I didn’t walk four out of five days last week when I want to be walking five out of five. And I felt terrible about it. Not like someone was going to find out; I was broadcasting my disgust with myself and my oxygen needs to anyone who would listen. No, I was upset because I wanted to be exercising and I felt like I couldn’t.

This way of thinking is so foreign to me. I’m not used to wanting to eat right and exercise often. I’m not used to being excited about self-discipline and honestly not wanted to break the rules. I’m excited about these changes I can see in myself partly because I’m losing weight and feeling better, but also because it’s the closest to a conversion experience I’ve ever come.

I was born into the covenant. I didn’t sign up, I was drafted. And, seriously, I’m cool with that. Through conversations with other people I know the pain and heartbreak that goes into a really cool conversion story and I have never wanted that. But there are times that I wonder what it would feel like.

There is a pastor from Seattle I frequently listen to who talks about how his conversion changed his very desires. All of a sudden he wanted to pray and read his Bible and go to Bible studies and prayer meetings which are all things he used to make fun of people for. That’s what this diet feels like. All of a sudden I want to get up at seven in the morning on a cold, gray winter day and walk briskly for half an hour. All of a sudden I don’t want the cookie sitting right in front of me and have begun a love affair with broccoli. Because I am insulin resistant my body treats caffeine as if it were sugar so I’ve been drinking decaf. With stevia for sweetener. And I like it. This past Saturday was GoPlay Peoria and I did most of the day completely uncaffeinated until I started drooping around eight or nine. There were a couple of hours to go so I started hunting for some caffeine. Seth offered to buy me a soda if I wanted one. I thought about it. And the idea of all that sweetness almost made me sick. I used to drink soda. I used to like soda. But I’ve changed and what I like has changed with me.

No, it’s not all easy and no, I won’t be glowing about it all the time, but something in me is different that it has been my entire life. Something that used to point one way got clicked over to pointing a completely different way. And in a way this is a conversion. I’m being saved from one more sin and I’m being made holier. One more part of the old man is dying and Jesus is saving me from more consequences of my sin. It’s grace and mercy poured out on my head and making me more like Jesus.