A Road Less Travelled

I’ve been thinking about growing up lately. Specifically, I was pondering the difference between a grown child and an adult. There is something fascinating and ephemeral about that point at which you are no longer a child. You’ve stepped over into something else and new things are expected and required of you. But what is it that makes the difference? What is it that changes someone from a child to a grown up?

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to Theresa about growing up. In fact, I think that conversation was what got me thinking. She told me that her grandmother thinks that someone can’t fully grow up until they leave home. I’m not sure I completely disagree with her. Not that someone can’t become a grown up while living at home, but it is a lot harder. I was very much a grown child when I moved here. And while I can still act childish at times I think I can say with all humility that I am a grown up. Why? What changed? This is imminently practical and important to me because I’m staring at a group of children who are fast becoming more than children, but not yet adults. I would love for them to make the leap into adulthood without having to leave town. Maybe it’s selfish, but I like the children I’m around; I don’t want them to have leave. So it’s important to me to figure out the special ingredient so that I can help my young nieces, nephews and friends become grown ups.

I have a theory as to what that ingredient is. I wonder if at least part of being a grown up lies in the difference between tasks and responsibilities. There might be a better word than task, but it was the best I could find to highlight the difference. When someone gives me a task to do they would like me to do it, but if I don’t there is a safety net. The job will still get done eventually, though it would have been great if I could have done it, and if it doesn’t it’s not ultimately my fault. It’s like laundry. I do the laundry around here for a number of reasons not least of which is I actually enjoy it. I do the laundry, but it’s my task not my responsibility. If Seth doesn’t have clean clothes he mentions it to Crystal not me. As the homemaker it’s her responsibility. She happens to have delegated to me, but I have a safety net. I am not ultimately responsible for getting the laundry done, though it is my job to do.

I should clarify that I am not responsible for getting the families laundry done. I am responsible for doing my own laundry. If I don’t do it it doesn’t get done. There is no safety net, there is no one else to look to. My mom used to tell me about when she was in college and she felt like she was going to faint. She used to faint a lot I think as a way to avoid what was going on. There was no one else around and something happened and she started to feel faint, but then she realized that there was no one else who would take care of what was making her feel faint. It was her responsibility and if she didn’t take care of it no one would.

That’s quite a burden for a child to carry. I think that’s why it’s the sort of thing that makes us into grown ups. I was thinking about it today because I’m alone right now with five children. They have a bunch of tasks, but very few responsibilities. I, on the other hand, have a lot of responsibilities right now. In a few hours we’re all going to want dinner. If I don’t make it no one will. I’m going to put them to bed tonight and if there is a problem I will have to deal with it; there is no one else. A couple of years ago this would have freaked me out. Now, I can feel the weight of the responsibility, but it’s not crushing. My shoulders have grown big enough to carry it because you need grown up shoulders to carry grown up responsibilities. It’s almost a catch-22 because you need some responsibilities to make you grown up, but responsibilities are hard to carry if you’re not a grown up.

I’m still not entirely sure what I can do to encourage the children around me towards their eventual adulthood, but it’s helpful having a small handle on what makes the difference between children and adults. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go look into dinner.