Stupid ovary… (Raquel)
February 23, 2009 by sharppointythings
As I walked into Peoria Imaging to get my internal sonogram, I started composing this blog post in my head. I walked in, pretending to be fine. That was the moment when I realized that I was only pretending to be fine. I mean, really, why else would I be so determinedly reviewing Facebook well wishes and a new Facebook friend and how cheerful I was over that? But then, it wasn’t until I started crying during Elsie’s birthday party that I first realized I was actually stressed about the whole thing.
Seth told me at the time, “You need to actually tell people that you’re scared.” And I answered, completely honestly, “I didn’t think I was until now…”
On the way back out of Peoria Imaging after the scan, I was composing Twitter messages in my head. Raquel Mutton is mad at her stupid ovary for not shrinking. Kind of funny, but not actually true.…wants to just run away to Fiji. Yeah, that’s actually about right. I’m supposed to be able to describe my thoughts as whirling at that point, but no. When I almost stepped out it front of a moving car because I forgot to look before crossing the parking lot, I was thinking calmly, if somewhat sarcastically, that I’d really like to run off to Fiji and leave the whole ovary situation behind. I’m not even sure what I would do in Fiji…
I got home and looked in the mirror. My hair had slipped into a center part when I put it up this morning, and I suddenly decided that I couldn’t deal with having a center part right then. I re-did my hair, looked in the mirror again, and decided it looked good. You’re young, you want to have kids…. the sonogram tech had said, though she also said not to worry about jumping through too many hoops, because the cyst wasn’t growing.
Yeah, I want to have kids, but somehow the thought of surgery, which probably involves removing one of my ovaries, has evoked no such logical reaction from me. The only reaction I’ve been able to put into words is, “But that’s mine, and they can’t take it.” And I’m glad that God rearranged things so I didn’t have to wait quite so long to get the scan, but now I have to wait another week to talk to the doctor, and discuss surgery, and getting a second opinion, and this all involves more paperwork and medical bills…
So, with running away to Fiji not being a viable option, I think my second choice would be to figure out what I’m feeling, because people will probably start asking me. And the answer, “I dunno, I can’t figure out if I want to cry or not,” just doesn’t seem that helpful.
“And the answer, “I dunno, I can’t figure out if I want to cry or not,” just doesn’t seem that helpful.”
Actually, it’s a fine answer. Because, you know, it’s true.
That whole “you don’t have to have it together” thing extends to understanding your emotions. You don’t have to understand everything you’re feeling before you share it with those around you who love you and care about you. Sometimes, you just need to start throwing words at your feelings until something finally sticks.
You know, like this blog post.
We can talk more later, face to face, if you want to. Because we care about you.
So, um, Raquel. I’d offer you a hug but I know you’re not all that big on hugs and I can’t actually give you one anyway. But, you know, I thought I’d offer. Just in case.
I’d offer you a hug as well, but I think Seth would sit on my head. However, I think that I know how you feel, as thats the way I normally feel. I have just developed an amazingly good way to cover it with my laughing persona. I am praying for you.
Seth,
Thank you. I’m not sure I even have more words to throw at it right now, but I’ll let you know if I find some.
Merrianna,
In this case I will make an exception and accept a cyber-hug. Just don’t expect me to make a habit of it.
Jeremy,
Uh, well, I appreciate the sentiment anyway. Thank you.
I am praying for you as well. If it’s any encouragement to you, the fact that you posted this shows that you are making progress in dealing with your emotions. This is much better than if you had just cried and not said anything to anybody about why.
Thank you.