A Road Less Travelled

I’m scheduled to have surgery in about two weeks. There’s about a fifty percent chance that the selenium I’m taking will shrink the cyst before then, and I won’t need surgery. In that case I finally close that chapter of my life (except for lingering bills and paperwork) and move my attention to hoping that my passport shows up in time for the brief excursion into Canada on our next trip, which is a couple weeks after my surgery is scheduled.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.

If the cyst doesn’t shrink, I go deliberately check into the hospital so they can slice open my abdomen and take out the tangerine sized thing that not’s supposed to be in there. In that case there’s a pretty good chance that they also have to take out the whole ovary. While they’re in there, they’re also going to poke around at the smaller cyst on my other ovary and see if it needs to be taken out too.

But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining

There’s a very, very small chance that when they take out the cyst and test it, that it will turn out to be cancer and they will want to do a hysterectomy. I’m planning on telling them at every opportunity that they are *not* allowed to do that during the same surgery, and if it does turn out to be cancer, *I* get to make those decisions. But those are the kind of decisions I’m looking at in the very unlikely case that it turns out to be cancer.

and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”

And I’m fine.

No, really, I’m doing fine. Really. Well, in a complicated sort of way. See…

I don’t like waiting. I’m really good at short burst stubborness. As long as I’m actively opposing someone or something the clock keeps reseting, and I can be stubborn. Long term patience when I’m just fighting myself doesn’t go so well.

I also don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. I’m a planning kind of person. I like to be mentally prepared for what’s going to happen, and proceed from one thing to the next thing, and sponteniaty is great, but it has to happen in its appropriate time slot.

and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

But, you know, I’ve been through that fight. I’ve been through the “I can’t do this”. I’ve remembered that submitting to God’s will doesn’t mean submitting to whichever way He takes me in the future, it’s submitting to waiting and not knowing right now. And I came through it realizing that not only was it going to be okay whatever happened next, but it was okay that I didn’t know right now.

And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

And so everything’s okay, right? The clouds broke enough for me to see the sky through them, and I can stand with the light of heaven on my face, and say that I *know* God is good and that He is with me no matter what. And then I realize that yes, it’s *still* raining, and I’m standing there soaking wet with the rain running down my face. And the light still isn’t gone, and I’m just confused about how I am. But hey, I think I’m getting used to being confused too.