A Road Less Travelled

The road of self-discovery I’ve been trekking on lately has run through some pretty odd places. Some people go to Europe or China to find themselves. I think that’s silly because I’ve always known where I am I just didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. So I don’t bother going off someplace exotic or having adventures. I just play games and watch television shows.

I’ve talked about Buffy the Vampire Slayer in posts past. In one post in particular I mentioned Xander, the normal guy. The completely normal, almost painfully average guy who fights side by side with the Slayer. He’s my favorite character. And I’ve realized that I am the Xander of our little group here on Orange St.

At first I wasn’t going to write this post. It seemed self-absorbed and, oddly enough, a little arrogant because I keep talking about how important Xander is to the group. But if I can’t be self-absorbed on my own blog where can I be?

The core group of Buffy characters are Buffy, Willow, and Xander. Buffy is, as I’ve said, the Slayer, a mystical position of great responsibility and lots of physical perks. Willow starts the show as the really geeky, but super useful computer hacker and then takes up magic in season 3. As the show progresses she and Buffy grow in their powers until they’re both scary strong. And Xander remains normal guy. There’s a part in season 7 when he’s talking to one of the other characters who used to be something important and is now very normal with him. He says

“Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful… a witch. A demon… Powerful, all of them. And I’m the guy who fixes the windows…
They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn’t Chosen, to live so near the spotlight and never step in it. But I know.”

Seems like lately the people in my immediate circle are all dealing with something or other that’s big or hurts a lot. Medical issues, governmental policies, spiritual battles for peace and contentment. They’re all intense people who care about big things or a lot about small things. They need lots of care and people are concerned for them because, wow, life hurts a lot. And I’m the one who fixes the windows.

I am Xander. (I took a personality test a while back that said I was so it must be true) I’m not intense about issues, all of my strengths are quiet, background support things, I tend to be practical when I’m not chasing butterflies and most days I find flowers far more interesting than crime. I’m not a dreamer, I’m not a fighter, I’m not really a thinker though I have a bit part in each of these things. I’m a bridge strut. I support the bridge so that people can be helped and blessed and taken care of. And because of that I don’t often get noticed and I get driven over a lot.

In the show Buffy and Willow have to deal with really big issues. Buffy struggles constantly with being special, always living near a normal life, but never touching it. Willow becomes so powerful she gets addicted to magic and gets someone else hurt. Because of their strengths and their power the burdens they carry are big, often too big for them. So the rest of the group rallies round to support them. It’s really a beautiful show sometimes just watching the friendships.

Xander doesn’t have those problems. He struggles with being a grownup, holding down a job and committing to his girlfriend. When compared to the rest his issues look very small. And he rarely gets any help with them until he screws up royally and botches his life up good. He doesn’t get the spotlight, he doesn’t get the rallying round. He’s just normal guy with normal issues.

Most of the people I’m around are prone to depression. They struggle with problems and burdens and frequently it can result in emotions that sink to the bottom of the ocean and bury themselves in the sand. Then it’s time for the rallying round and the emotional support. It’s time to steal the children and kick the married couple out of the house to have some time with each other or to get some decaf coffee and drive nowhere listening to loud music. It’s time to take care of them and help them up out of the pit they’re in.

I don’t have those emotional pitfalls. I used to, but something in me leveled out and now I’m generally a cheerful, up person. This past summer was really hard and I was in a serious funk, but everyone around me was so much worse it didn’t really count. I’ll get… low sometimes. Not depressed, not bottom of the ocean, not really all that bad comparatively. Just kinda low. But I’ll come out of it sooner or later so there’s really no need for the rallying, the decaf coffee or long drives. Sure, I’ve come apart from time to time and there’s usually been a shoulder to cry on. But that’s usually it. I have my cry, I dry my eyes and I go back to life. No big. No need for anything extra special.

It’s cause I’m normal girl. I wash the dishes, I set the table, I help enforce policies and decisions I had no part in deciding, I roll with the punches. I fix the windows. When something’s up with me there’s someone who’s dealing with worse so I just get up and deal with whatever. It’s what I do. I’m normal girl.

Which makes me the heart of the group. If we map our group to the Buffy group that makes me normal girl, the beating heart of our funky little community. Integral and important, but often overlooked. It’s not a bad place to be if you’re built for it and I’ve realizing that I am. I really am. I’m the cheerful, dish-washing, diaper-changing, normal girl bridge strut. Nice to meet you.