A Road Less Travelled

I’ve been listening to lies this week. I listened even though I knew they were lies. And then I kept being surprised when I felt upset about it.

So, Tuesday I went out shopping. It’s my official errand day where I run around like a crazy person doing grocery shopping for myself and some for Crystal. It was going well and I was feeling happy. I’d bought some yummy food for this week, I’d gotten ice cream for Isaac’s upcoming birthday, I was out of the house. It was a good day. Then I bumped into a lady from our previous church who I hadn’t seen in forever. She’s a total sweetheart so I actually said hey when I noticed her and was glad I did cause she was thrilled to see me. I asked how she was then I asked about the young women at the church who are a bit younger than I am, one of whom is her daughter. So she told me all about her daughter’s life- how she’s married, how she’s got several home businesses using her creativity and artistic skills, how she’s happy as a clam. Then she told me about the other young woman who is getting married in May and so very happy. She even told me about a young woman who’d come after we left. I have never met this person, but I know that she is attending New St. Andrew’s college in Moscow, Idaho, (you know, Doug Wilson’s college) and that she loves it there. Then, this total sweetheart who would never want to hurt my feelings said, “And how are you? What have you been up to?”

My brain completely froze up. Here she is talking about women who are younger than I am and using their gifts and skills and loving it. I get thrown up on on a regular basis. I get up each day and try to corral children through the day without going insane or letting the house fall down. What’s more, I’ve been doing that for five years now. What do I have to show for it? I asked myself. And then listened to the echoes when no answer came.

I managed to stumble through the rest of the conversation. I told her about writing, I told her about teaching. I tried not to sound like the total loser I am on paper. And then we said goodbye and I walked off into a gray day with a new voice in my head. It whispered to me about how much I am worth and how important my days are. It whispered to me about my days and weeks and years and I listened, God forgive me, I listened.

I didn’t realize how much the conversation bothered me until I got home and started talking to Crystal. She had some very helpful things to say which I tried so hard not to blow off. I was talking about it again last night with the Wednesday Night Dinner crowd and again I was shocked at how bothered I’d been. Especially since I know the right answers. Theresa was pushing me on it and I was laying out for her what I believe about what I’m doing and why. I laid it all out and it looked so good, but still there was the voice. I couldn’t listen to myself explain myself to me because that voice was talking talking talking.

There was no way I could make it stop on my own so I told it to go to Hell and asked to God make it leave. It’s been a better day so far.

One of the helpful things Crystal said was that I should write a resume. I could make it as silly or serious as I wanted, but that it might be helpful just to list everything I do. I’ve been working on it and so far it’s a pretty long list. On the list are several things that are what I love. I’m a writer and a teacher. That’s what I want. I work with children which is the perfect fit for me. So why does it matter that nobody’s hired me for the job, that I didn’t have to go and spend lots of money on getting a piece of paper that says I can do it? What difference does it make that I’m here and not someplace else doing what I love? I’m teaching children how to read and about their world and about the history of their people. I’ve taught them about plants and about their bodies and about animals. I’ve written stories that have been just what someone needed even if sometimes that someone is me. I’m doing what I want, what I love. This is exactly what I want I just do it here at home. Why isn’t that worth anything?

The answer is it’s worth a whole lot; I’ve just been listening to a liar this week. When I’m done with the resume I’ll probably post it here, though that’s not really the point. It’s more of the exercise of paying attention and noticing my place here so that I have something to tell the liar when it tries to come back.