I figured out something about myself last night. Well, two things actually–the second is that I’m apparently a brunette now, and I’m not sure when that happened. The first one is slightly more complicated.
See, I don’t really like beer. In fact, the alcoholic drinks I like tend to be really froo-froo girly mixed drinks. This bothers me. I’m not saying it consumes my every waking moment, or anything like that, but when it crosses my mind, it makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Why would that make me uncomfortable? Well, it has to do with my perceptions about the kind of beverages that go with certain personalities. Beer is a casual, hanging out with friends kind of drink, that lacks artifice. I would like to be that sort of person. Though, not enough to fake liking beer to achieve it, despite having heard that if you can fake sincerity you’ve got it made….
Froo-froo girly drinks imply girliness. You know, the kind of girl who has twenty pairs of shoes and loves shopping and is overly emotional about stupid stuff. And this is where we hit the crux of the matter. Because that describes me exactly, and that makes me *really* uncomfortable.
Why, you may ask? I’ve wondered the same thing. And last night (or maybe it was very early this morning), I finally figured it out. In my head that kind of girliness is a package deal that comes with certain other implications. That kind of girliness (in my head at least) only exists in brainless, high maintenence girls who have no common sense, and are completely useless. You know, that kind of girl who can’t do anything because she might chip her nail polish, and can’t hold a serious conversation about anything interesting.
And that’s why I was so upset to find out that I’m more emotional that rational. (An irony that does not escape me–in a couple more years I might even be able to see the funny side…) That’s why I’m so quick to grab onto my interest in weapons, or my high grade in medical terminology, because it’s something I can wave around and say, “Look, I’m not really one of them. I’m not useless. Really I’m not.”
Because I’m terrified of being written off as useless when I’m not. But I’m even more terrified of being written off as useless because it’s true.
This entry was posted on Saturday, November 14th, 2009 at 1:03 pm and is filed under Raquel, Thoughts on Being Womanly. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Funny – I don’t really like beer. I’m more of mixed drink kind of girl, myself. But as a business woman, I find myself trying to convince others I can be a girly girl – I’m NOT one of the guys. Not to say that I dumb myself down, but I can giggle and throw on lipstick with the best of them. I’m probably like this because I’m a business woman 50+ hours each week. Maybe you’re emphasizing the warrior-woman because you’re Aunt Nanny a majority of the time. I guess we both just want people to see ALL sides of our selves.